Thanks for sharing your story, Clare. The 'love at first sight' myth at birth has a stronghold on our expectations but 40% of first-time mothers don't fall in love at birth (25% of second-time mums). When mothers don't feel that love, they immediately feel guilt and shame and when it follows birth trauma, it can persist for months and significantly inform maternal mental health. I've just written a book on postpartum and navigating the information regarding birth trauma was interesting because there's 2 trains of thought: a birth debrief immediately after birth is helpful / the mother must initiate the birth debrief when she's ready and it shouldn't take place in the hospital. I'm sure with your professional background you know your options but you can also request access to your birth notes from the hospital which can help you better understand the timing of each stage and the decisions that were made x
This is so fascinating! From studying psychology I knew about those two competing views when it comes to trauma… that we have a natural way of processing traumatic events and sometimes it’s best not to interrupt that. I asked my obstetrician a lot of questions in the days afterwards, although I remember very little of what she told me. A couple of weeks after I saw my psychologist and I actually think that session was incredibly helpful. I really just needed a space to talk about how I felt and have someone tell me I wasn’t a monster, and that’s exactly what she did. But I’ve been interested to see how I’ve been able to process it all on my own… and how I’m okay?? I’m not traumatised. I know some women are, but I think a lot of women process it in the months after birth, and find they’re far more resilient than they ever expected.
A well written birth story. I also experienced so much fear when my son was born, as in, the moments he finally was actually out of my body. He hadn’t been in distress, and his birth was uncomplicated, but I had had a stillborn baby girl a year previous. My whole pregnancy and labor were filled with fear, and then I was induced at 38 weeks (for no reason other than my fear that he would randomly die in the last two weeks), and I had a relatively easy labor and delivery. About 12 hours from start of induction to his birth, 20 minutes of pushing, no tears. Which of course is an anecdotal story but goes against the “fear will destroy your labor” story. When he was born, he cried once, and then he was so quiet and still when they placed him on my chest. I was beyond my logical self, I was so scared there was something wrong with him (there wasn’t). I spent the first day he was born in the worst mental state. Of course when my daughter was stillborn, I was destroyed by grief and agony, but that made sense to feel that way. When my son was born, I felt a return of those emotions, which did not make sense (at the time).
All that to say, giving birth does something to our minds, the fear, the physical pain and stress, the hormones, I was out of control. The best we can do is follow the science for the safest possible outcome, and then get bravely on that roller coaster.
Oh my God I am so sorry about your baby girl. I just… that grief. But I understand what you mean about feeling something that doesn’t seem ‘appropriate’ for the situation. When your baby IS healthy and everything is okay, you tell yourself you should be grateful and elated. But of course - for you especially - there would be so much anxiety. And I think the real danger comes when we feel shame ABOUT the emotion.
I’m not a mum but I have a chronic illness and the untangling of shame around what our bodies ‘should’ be able to do is immense. We’re taught that with enough grit and determination we can overcome anything. But we often can’t. People don’t die from cancer because they didn’t fight hard enough. They died because bodies don’t always work the way we want them to and we aren’t always in control. We don’t want to face that truth though because the randomness is scary so instead we tell ourselves and others that we can mind over matter this. And when we can’t, we must not have been gritty enough, powerful enough, we must be to blame. And we aren’t. Bodies are hard. I’m so, so sorry yours fell short at such an important time. It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. It was shit luck and that really sucks.
THIS!!! And a lot of narratives in the ‘wellness’ space DO make it sound like our bodies are entirely within our control. And they’re bloody NOT. I also wonder how those people explain childhood cancer… is that not just random and cruel? This is such a good point xxx
Right! Some bodies just CAN’T. Some can’t see, some can’t walk, some can’t digest, some can’t conceive or breastfeed. We need to know this sad reality before we all mentally implode.
Thank you for sharing your story I also had a traumatic birth, a race down to theatre, a stuck head, a third degree tear and an episiotomy. And now over a year on , I feel like I am not recovered physically or mentally. It is something that leaves a mark in ways people do not always see. Lately I have watched friends and family have these beautiful, calm and no intervention births and it really eats you up inside. You start questioning your own experience, even feeling like you failed somehow. But reading your story reminded me that we are not alone in this. All birth stories deserve to be heard, especially the hard ones. I hear you. Thank you again for your honesty 💕
Yes… I still have a visceral reaction when I see the beautiful Instagram posts of people after birth, who appear to have felt all the feelings immediately. There is definitely the feeling of failure, which is so absurd, when you think about the enormous physical and mental feat of birthing a child. Thank you for your lovely comment xxxx
I feel this deeply. My cousin has had two births since my one. Hers seemed so easy that I started to hate her, even though she had her own troubles - my mind could only see that she did not suffer in the same way I did.
Clare, as usual your writing is so honest, I love it. It takes time to recover physically from that sort of birth, a lot more time psychologically to recover.
I can really relate to your birth story, my first child’s birth was also quite traumatic, resulting in PND.
Second time around I had a planned c section and it was the complete opposite- highly recommend!
(One of the OBGYNs was telling me I just had a “head scar” (aka trauma) from the first birth and I didn’t need a c section because “now the body knows what to do”. Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll take the c section!
We need to talk more about how birth doesn’t go to plan, no matter what we do to prepare for it.
I also think it’s a lot more… violent (in some cases) which came to a big shock to me. Having a baby (who was 8 pound 13) THROWN onto my stomach (OUCH), after days of labouring, being torn, almost passing out from exhaustion and then having a Dr’s arm inside of me trying to figure out why the placenta wasn’t coming. It felt violent, I felt violated.
I wasn’t expecting birth to be magical, I too had been terrified since childhood, but I didn’t expect…. all of that.
Keep talking about it Clare. Matilda might read it one day, the story of how she entered the world doesn’t mean she was any less wanted or loved, it’s just about the process of how she went from the inside to the outside. How our bodies can be prepared, how the baby can be in the right place and birth can still not be text book. 😊
Violent is 10000% the word for it. My husband said the same thing… afterwards he said… it was almost like watching you being assaulted. And I couldn’t do anything.
I get very annoyed at the narrative that women have ‘romanticised birth’ and need to stop having such high expectations. I did not have high expectations. But when a man goes to war and comes back traumatised, we don’t say ‘WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!’
Could not agree with you more! And after such a violent and traumatising experience, you’re the most physically and mentally shattered that you’ve ever been and then you’re sent off into the world with a tiny human to keep alive! 🫣
I can’t read most stories to do with birth because I find they can be too confronting, but I felt compelled to read yours Clare because my daughter was also born on the 21st December 2022 and I’ve been a long time reader of your work. I too had an epidural that didn’t work as it should have, I feel a profound sense of solidarity seeing many of my own experiences reflected in your story.. So, thank you for that. It’s truly a gift.
Thank you for reading - and wow - how special that we had daughters on the same day!
Sounds like it was a bad day for births hahaha. I’m not sure where you’re based or what your labour was like… but… a midwife told me the next day that when there’s a storm, the drop in barometric pressure can cause your waters to break. So there was a massive storm a couple of days before.. and my theory is my waters broke before they should’ve… which flopped Matilda into the wrong position.
That’s what I tell myself. Although it’s possibly all a myth, and my birth was just always going to pan out that way!
I’m in Perth and it was hot hot hot that summer so maybe that’s why my waters didn’t want to break haha (I was induced - awful, would not recommend) so maybe I had the opposite problem 😂
My daughter was supposed to be due on the 10th which is coincidentally my birthday. I thought I was going to be sharing a birthday with her too, but that turned out not to be the case!
Best Christmas present though so no complaints here.
This is really important writing, Clare - thank you. We need a much wider spectrum of birth stories being shared, discussed and acknowledged so women can prepare better, in whatever shape that takes for them.
Despite being a huge worrier, I weirdly wasn't apprehensive about birth at all. I just assumed my body would do its thing like the other birth stories I'd heard from friends etc. I did an online hypnobirthing course in preparation though, as I liked the idea of a natural approach. The big rule of the 'community' around this particular course was no one should share negative birth stories. Anyone whose birth hadn't gone as planned still presented their experience as wonderful/natural etc.
So when my labour became difficult and scary and resulted in an emergency C-section, it was the absolute last thing I expected. 3 years on, I am starting to feel like I'm finally processing it and realising it was traumatic.
The thing is, this 'polite' blackout of real experiences is perpetuating the cycle of subpar maternity care. If women aren't prepared, they can't advocate for themselves or give themselves the best chance of mental and physical recovery after birth.
Yes! I sometimes think that a lot of the hypnobirthing stuff worked against me... because it made me feel like a failure. Like it was my fault when labour wasn't progressing, that my body WAS capable of it, and I was getting in the way. I think it's important to hear stories where women say: this is what happened, and I'm okay. That won't be the case for everyone, but for A LOT of women, birth is unpredictable and scary and violent and we come out the other side as functional people and good parents. Because generally, I think we're all more resilient than we expect. It would just be nice if you didn't have to feel ashamed/alone/like shit in the immediate aftermath!
Exactly! That's the approach I've taken - I actively want people to know it wasn't as expected but I got through it. Totally get no one needs more fear piled on but there's ways to be open without it having to be a horror story.
Thanks for sharing Clare. It’s hard for me to read this as I work in this space and I hate that women go through trauma and potentially due to things I have done even if I do my best to try and avoid causing trauma and the intervention was necessary. We need to continue to normalize all births but also improve the ways we support women both antenatally and postnatally.
I have often felt that part of the difficulty is that generally people giving birth are young and healthy and haven’t had major health issues so to have a significant health related thing happen can be traumatic especially when it’s supposed to be the happiest time of your life
Wonderfully written and thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how it felt for your nervous system to have to relive this in writing about it, and you have done a great service to us all. I also had a traumatic birth - and I was very lucky that my midwife described it immediately as such, which took a huge burden off my shoulders. Have you read All Fours? The sexual revolution/blowing your life up angle gets the most airtime, but there's also a huge plotline about having a traumatic birth and the most memorable and cathartic scene, for me, was the two women screaming about their birth stories. Recommended - with care and caution - for those who also need to read some guttural screaming on this matter.
YES I loved this is All Fours!!! I felt the main character’s experience so viscerally too… of having a baby in the NICU, and the trauma of that. Found that whole theme so bloody important
Excellent piece - by contrast I gave birth within four hours - no pain relief - my daughter delivered her son within 45 min- no stitches no pain relief, didn’t stop either of us feeling absolutely mental - birth is utterly shocking during and after and most of us are faking elation( or its endorphins/ hysteria/ hormones/ relief to be alive) - all I wanted to do was go home to my mums and leave the baby in the hospital - it got better btw x
After a similar experience but ending in an emergency c-section, they put my daughter on my chest and she slapped her mucus/blood covered arm in my mouth, i still feel guilty that my first thought of my daughter was ewww!!
Hahahaha omg I thought the same thing. Matilda was blue and covered in goo. She had goo in her eye. And the first thing I said was ‘sweetie you have something in your eye.’
Hard relate Clare - I have worked through my feelings over a long time and am peaceful with my births now. My grown kids have always loved the dramatic stories of their complicated births. My son always loved the four hrs of pushing with emergency extraction followed by a dropped placenta. While my daughter took personal pride in being born with the cord wrapped around her neck and not breathing. They are survivors of these stories and loved hearing them again and again from their dad. I personally had no idea what was happening half the time during labour. I was so exhausted when my first baby was born that I wanted the midwives to see me, how tired I was, what I had been through and take him away for a few hours so I could sleep as my reward… lol.
OK it’s so bizarre that you’re then handed your baby and have to start feeding and you’re like… ummm hi. I’m tired. And sore. And bleeding.
And I love hearing this about your kids. Matilda will LOVE the story of her birth, she’ll be enthralled by it hahahaha. And she’s the funnest, most joyous ball of energy so the ‘drama’ of her entering the world suits her hahahaha
Clare, hands down the best thing you've ever written. And I've read (and listened to) practically everything you've written. It's raw, it's honest and it is exactly how it is. The best x
Thanks for sharing your story, Clare. The 'love at first sight' myth at birth has a stronghold on our expectations but 40% of first-time mothers don't fall in love at birth (25% of second-time mums). When mothers don't feel that love, they immediately feel guilt and shame and when it follows birth trauma, it can persist for months and significantly inform maternal mental health. I've just written a book on postpartum and navigating the information regarding birth trauma was interesting because there's 2 trains of thought: a birth debrief immediately after birth is helpful / the mother must initiate the birth debrief when she's ready and it shouldn't take place in the hospital. I'm sure with your professional background you know your options but you can also request access to your birth notes from the hospital which can help you better understand the timing of each stage and the decisions that were made x
This is so fascinating! From studying psychology I knew about those two competing views when it comes to trauma… that we have a natural way of processing traumatic events and sometimes it’s best not to interrupt that. I asked my obstetrician a lot of questions in the days afterwards, although I remember very little of what she told me. A couple of weeks after I saw my psychologist and I actually think that session was incredibly helpful. I really just needed a space to talk about how I felt and have someone tell me I wasn’t a monster, and that’s exactly what she did. But I’ve been interested to see how I’ve been able to process it all on my own… and how I’m okay?? I’m not traumatised. I know some women are, but I think a lot of women process it in the months after birth, and find they’re far more resilient than they ever expected.
A well written birth story. I also experienced so much fear when my son was born, as in, the moments he finally was actually out of my body. He hadn’t been in distress, and his birth was uncomplicated, but I had had a stillborn baby girl a year previous. My whole pregnancy and labor were filled with fear, and then I was induced at 38 weeks (for no reason other than my fear that he would randomly die in the last two weeks), and I had a relatively easy labor and delivery. About 12 hours from start of induction to his birth, 20 minutes of pushing, no tears. Which of course is an anecdotal story but goes against the “fear will destroy your labor” story. When he was born, he cried once, and then he was so quiet and still when they placed him on my chest. I was beyond my logical self, I was so scared there was something wrong with him (there wasn’t). I spent the first day he was born in the worst mental state. Of course when my daughter was stillborn, I was destroyed by grief and agony, but that made sense to feel that way. When my son was born, I felt a return of those emotions, which did not make sense (at the time).
All that to say, giving birth does something to our minds, the fear, the physical pain and stress, the hormones, I was out of control. The best we can do is follow the science for the safest possible outcome, and then get bravely on that roller coaster.
Oh my God I am so sorry about your baby girl. I just… that grief. But I understand what you mean about feeling something that doesn’t seem ‘appropriate’ for the situation. When your baby IS healthy and everything is okay, you tell yourself you should be grateful and elated. But of course - for you especially - there would be so much anxiety. And I think the real danger comes when we feel shame ABOUT the emotion.
I’m not a mum but I have a chronic illness and the untangling of shame around what our bodies ‘should’ be able to do is immense. We’re taught that with enough grit and determination we can overcome anything. But we often can’t. People don’t die from cancer because they didn’t fight hard enough. They died because bodies don’t always work the way we want them to and we aren’t always in control. We don’t want to face that truth though because the randomness is scary so instead we tell ourselves and others that we can mind over matter this. And when we can’t, we must not have been gritty enough, powerful enough, we must be to blame. And we aren’t. Bodies are hard. I’m so, so sorry yours fell short at such an important time. It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. It was shit luck and that really sucks.
THIS!!! And a lot of narratives in the ‘wellness’ space DO make it sound like our bodies are entirely within our control. And they’re bloody NOT. I also wonder how those people explain childhood cancer… is that not just random and cruel? This is such a good point xxx
Right! Some bodies just CAN’T. Some can’t see, some can’t walk, some can’t digest, some can’t conceive or breastfeed. We need to know this sad reality before we all mentally implode.
Thank you for sharing your story I also had a traumatic birth, a race down to theatre, a stuck head, a third degree tear and an episiotomy. And now over a year on , I feel like I am not recovered physically or mentally. It is something that leaves a mark in ways people do not always see. Lately I have watched friends and family have these beautiful, calm and no intervention births and it really eats you up inside. You start questioning your own experience, even feeling like you failed somehow. But reading your story reminded me that we are not alone in this. All birth stories deserve to be heard, especially the hard ones. I hear you. Thank you again for your honesty 💕
Yes… I still have a visceral reaction when I see the beautiful Instagram posts of people after birth, who appear to have felt all the feelings immediately. There is definitely the feeling of failure, which is so absurd, when you think about the enormous physical and mental feat of birthing a child. Thank you for your lovely comment xxxx
I feel this deeply. My cousin has had two births since my one. Hers seemed so easy that I started to hate her, even though she had her own troubles - my mind could only see that she did not suffer in the same way I did.
Clare, as usual your writing is so honest, I love it. It takes time to recover physically from that sort of birth, a lot more time psychologically to recover.
I can really relate to your birth story, my first child’s birth was also quite traumatic, resulting in PND.
Second time around I had a planned c section and it was the complete opposite- highly recommend!
(One of the OBGYNs was telling me I just had a “head scar” (aka trauma) from the first birth and I didn’t need a c section because “now the body knows what to do”. Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll take the c section!
We need to talk more about how birth doesn’t go to plan, no matter what we do to prepare for it.
I also think it’s a lot more… violent (in some cases) which came to a big shock to me. Having a baby (who was 8 pound 13) THROWN onto my stomach (OUCH), after days of labouring, being torn, almost passing out from exhaustion and then having a Dr’s arm inside of me trying to figure out why the placenta wasn’t coming. It felt violent, I felt violated.
I wasn’t expecting birth to be magical, I too had been terrified since childhood, but I didn’t expect…. all of that.
Keep talking about it Clare. Matilda might read it one day, the story of how she entered the world doesn’t mean she was any less wanted or loved, it’s just about the process of how she went from the inside to the outside. How our bodies can be prepared, how the baby can be in the right place and birth can still not be text book. 😊
Violent is 10000% the word for it. My husband said the same thing… afterwards he said… it was almost like watching you being assaulted. And I couldn’t do anything.
I get very annoyed at the narrative that women have ‘romanticised birth’ and need to stop having such high expectations. I did not have high expectations. But when a man goes to war and comes back traumatised, we don’t say ‘WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!’
Could not agree with you more! And after such a violent and traumatising experience, you’re the most physically and mentally shattered that you’ve ever been and then you’re sent off into the world with a tiny human to keep alive! 🫣
I can’t read most stories to do with birth because I find they can be too confronting, but I felt compelled to read yours Clare because my daughter was also born on the 21st December 2022 and I’ve been a long time reader of your work. I too had an epidural that didn’t work as it should have, I feel a profound sense of solidarity seeing many of my own experiences reflected in your story.. So, thank you for that. It’s truly a gift.
Thank you for reading - and wow - how special that we had daughters on the same day!
Sounds like it was a bad day for births hahaha. I’m not sure where you’re based or what your labour was like… but… a midwife told me the next day that when there’s a storm, the drop in barometric pressure can cause your waters to break. So there was a massive storm a couple of days before.. and my theory is my waters broke before they should’ve… which flopped Matilda into the wrong position.
That’s what I tell myself. Although it’s possibly all a myth, and my birth was just always going to pan out that way!
That’s wild!
I’m in Perth and it was hot hot hot that summer so maybe that’s why my waters didn’t want to break haha (I was induced - awful, would not recommend) so maybe I had the opposite problem 😂
My daughter was supposed to be due on the 10th which is coincidentally my birthday. I thought I was going to be sharing a birthday with her too, but that turned out not to be the case!
Best Christmas present though so no complaints here.
This is really important writing, Clare - thank you. We need a much wider spectrum of birth stories being shared, discussed and acknowledged so women can prepare better, in whatever shape that takes for them.
Despite being a huge worrier, I weirdly wasn't apprehensive about birth at all. I just assumed my body would do its thing like the other birth stories I'd heard from friends etc. I did an online hypnobirthing course in preparation though, as I liked the idea of a natural approach. The big rule of the 'community' around this particular course was no one should share negative birth stories. Anyone whose birth hadn't gone as planned still presented their experience as wonderful/natural etc.
So when my labour became difficult and scary and resulted in an emergency C-section, it was the absolute last thing I expected. 3 years on, I am starting to feel like I'm finally processing it and realising it was traumatic.
The thing is, this 'polite' blackout of real experiences is perpetuating the cycle of subpar maternity care. If women aren't prepared, they can't advocate for themselves or give themselves the best chance of mental and physical recovery after birth.
Yes! I sometimes think that a lot of the hypnobirthing stuff worked against me... because it made me feel like a failure. Like it was my fault when labour wasn't progressing, that my body WAS capable of it, and I was getting in the way. I think it's important to hear stories where women say: this is what happened, and I'm okay. That won't be the case for everyone, but for A LOT of women, birth is unpredictable and scary and violent and we come out the other side as functional people and good parents. Because generally, I think we're all more resilient than we expect. It would just be nice if you didn't have to feel ashamed/alone/like shit in the immediate aftermath!
Exactly! That's the approach I've taken - I actively want people to know it wasn't as expected but I got through it. Totally get no one needs more fear piled on but there's ways to be open without it having to be a horror story.
Thanks for sharing Clare. It’s hard for me to read this as I work in this space and I hate that women go through trauma and potentially due to things I have done even if I do my best to try and avoid causing trauma and the intervention was necessary. We need to continue to normalize all births but also improve the ways we support women both antenatally and postnatally.
I have often felt that part of the difficulty is that generally people giving birth are young and healthy and haven’t had major health issues so to have a significant health related thing happen can be traumatic especially when it’s supposed to be the happiest time of your life
Wonderfully written and thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how it felt for your nervous system to have to relive this in writing about it, and you have done a great service to us all. I also had a traumatic birth - and I was very lucky that my midwife described it immediately as such, which took a huge burden off my shoulders. Have you read All Fours? The sexual revolution/blowing your life up angle gets the most airtime, but there's also a huge plotline about having a traumatic birth and the most memorable and cathartic scene, for me, was the two women screaming about their birth stories. Recommended - with care and caution - for those who also need to read some guttural screaming on this matter.
YES I loved this is All Fours!!! I felt the main character’s experience so viscerally too… of having a baby in the NICU, and the trauma of that. Found that whole theme so bloody important
it was SO cathartic!!!
Excellent piece - by contrast I gave birth within four hours - no pain relief - my daughter delivered her son within 45 min- no stitches no pain relief, didn’t stop either of us feeling absolutely mental - birth is utterly shocking during and after and most of us are faking elation( or its endorphins/ hysteria/ hormones/ relief to be alive) - all I wanted to do was go home to my mums and leave the baby in the hospital - it got better btw x
Thanks for sharing your story ❤️
After a similar experience but ending in an emergency c-section, they put my daughter on my chest and she slapped her mucus/blood covered arm in my mouth, i still feel guilty that my first thought of my daughter was ewww!!
Hahahaha omg I thought the same thing. Matilda was blue and covered in goo. She had goo in her eye. And the first thing I said was ‘sweetie you have something in your eye.’
Hard relate Clare - I have worked through my feelings over a long time and am peaceful with my births now. My grown kids have always loved the dramatic stories of their complicated births. My son always loved the four hrs of pushing with emergency extraction followed by a dropped placenta. While my daughter took personal pride in being born with the cord wrapped around her neck and not breathing. They are survivors of these stories and loved hearing them again and again from their dad. I personally had no idea what was happening half the time during labour. I was so exhausted when my first baby was born that I wanted the midwives to see me, how tired I was, what I had been through and take him away for a few hours so I could sleep as my reward… lol.
OK it’s so bizarre that you’re then handed your baby and have to start feeding and you’re like… ummm hi. I’m tired. And sore. And bleeding.
And I love hearing this about your kids. Matilda will LOVE the story of her birth, she’ll be enthralled by it hahahaha. And she’s the funnest, most joyous ball of energy so the ‘drama’ of her entering the world suits her hahahaha
I felt this in my bones! Thank you for sharing, Claire.
Clare, hands down the best thing you've ever written. And I've read (and listened to) practically everything you've written. It's raw, it's honest and it is exactly how it is. The best x
I felt every single word of this. Thank you