I’ve spent the past 2+ years researching and writing a book on postpartum and one of the best quotes I came across was from literary and culture critic Jacqueline Rose who writes: “What are we doing to mothers — when we expect them to carry the burden of everything that is hardest to contemplate about our society and ourselves…Why on earth should it fall to them to paint things bright and innocent and safe.” She goes on to say: “Unless we recognise what we are asking mothers to perform in the world — and for the world — we will continue to tear both the world and mothers to pieces.” 💛
Sounds like when Erica Komisar says children shouldn’t really cry in the first year, she’s actually saying mothers shouldn’t cry at all.
THIS ridiculousness is why we have to reconnect with our intuition and each other, rather than relying on social commentary that is broadcast as fact, to shape our experience of motherhood.
Precisely, but there’s a big gap between our biological and primal needs and our everyday reality in nuclear homes (in a climate, cost of living and housing crisis). This is why motherhood is so hard. And all the psychologists and social workers I spoke to agreed that our rising maternal mental health rates aren’t so much a clinical condition but a normal human response to a really stressful situation x
EXACTLY. I couldn't listen to this supposed 'honest' approach to having YET ANOTHER roundtable about best-practice parenting where there was so little critical engagement WRT where the fuck all the dads are?? And it's directly related to this mistaken rose-tinting of the past because in (almost) a single generation we've gone from single-income to dual-income households. Clare's (amazing) family history is one in which the mothers worked because they had to; in 2025 the majority of mothers now work because they have to, even though most Australians classify as middle-class. So if the mothers are en masse stepping INTO the workplace, due to external factors beyond their control, the much bigger question is why fathers aren't stepping into the home. (Obviously speaking here to the hetero, dual-parent majority setup.)
Annabel Crabb said this (and many more wonderful things) in The Wife Drought which was published in 2014. TEN YEARS AGO. I return to that book every year and am increasingly upset with how relevant it still feels.
Also yes, should have stipulated that I am speaking to my harrowing experience as a tragically heterosexual female, very much concerned about what parenthood might look like for me if I decide to take on that role.
So tired of this shit and I haven’t even had to do it, yet.
There's a whole chromosome missing from this discussion and it starts with Y.
During lockdown, a lot of kids got to meet both their parents in the daytime and I can still see the effects of that. I'm a parent carer to two adults with autism and I've seen the landscape of the "morning shop" when my kids have been dropped off at day service, change vastly since 2020.
I still see Mums with their tiny babies strapped to their chest and the obvious grandmother with a fresh blow dry and clothes that she got to choose while someone else got the baby up and ready. But there are also lots of Dads, TALKING to their babies as they shop, and even a few Grand dads. .
Despite the systemic barriers to equal paid leave, and the stigma, these fathers have made a choice to share the joy and mental load of staying home with a child. Maybe they got to know them during lockdown, maybe they got work from home flexibility, maybe they broke free from the expectations of being a primary earner. Or they actually just had a crappier job that paid less than their partner.
And yet culturally, when a decision is made to go back to work and use paid childcare, no one is throwing mud at the Dads. In fact I imagine they probably get rose petals strewn in their path as they head to the feeding room to heat up a bottle.
You only have to look at the design of today's "travel systems" for babies (because it's not just a pram) to see the influence of the male parent on early childhood has changed. They are black. They have longer handles and better wheels. They are "cool" rather than cuddly.
According to the Global institute for Women's Leadership, it still has a long way to go. There are as many systemic barriers as there are cultural and as one won't change without the other, it will be gradual.
So don't let anyone judge a female parent for a decision that is rarely a choice. And maybe add Julia Gillard to your podcast playlist while deleting the likes of Erica K.
And to quote Bella the poodle from Bluey "You're doing great, don't forget that"
Recently I saw a video on TikTok (I know!) that talked about how there has never been another point in history that mothers were required to be with their babies 24/7. In fact, the relentlessness of parenting with zero breaks and such minimal support is one of the very reasons why so many mums are feeling overstimulated, struggling etc. right now.
If you think about our wiring, back in the day, we were reliant on the village to help raise our children. But now we have less of a village, more of a nuclear family and an expectation that it's you and your kids and partner (if you have one!) against the world. As such, it's putting more stress, pressure and creating more anxiety within family units.
This entirely new concept goes against our very wiring because in the caveman era, you were only ever with your own baby 24/7 if there was a problem and you were separated from the rest of your village. So imagine what would happen if you were the sole caregiver with nobody else around for the first three years?!
So really, we need to feel less guilty about creating our own villages whether they are family, friends, paid help or come in another surprise package, and accept that we are actually going back to basics, and leaning into what is truly instinctive and natural for humankind.
Where are the same demands on fathers? It's like every woman is the Virgin Mary and underwent immaculate conception when these people run their mouths.
Hard agree. I’m one of triplets and also appreciated your discussion of multiple births. The connection between siblings is deep and becomes part of the care you receive, it’s never been just the mother supplying everything, that expectation is mad
Becoming a mother I was ready for the judgement placed on mothers. What I wasn't ready for was the judgment placed on my baby! At 15 months old - why isn't my son walking? Shouldn't he be speaking more than 3 words? Why isn't he sleeping through the night? Etc. Etc. it might just be the place I am currently living (NYC), but I feel a lot of pressure both online and in real life for my son to be meeting certain milestones, but surely these conversations should be conversations between medical professionals and myself.
Thanks for your wise words Clare. Coming from the perspective of a fellow lazy girl ....have you thought about recording your writing so we can listen to your posts? I'm not sure this is an option on substack - and understand it would be more effort for you. But you'd have a listener in me!
Yes!!! My favorite parenting advice was: if it doesn’t work for multiples, it doesn’t really work. If something isn’t sustainable for more than one kid, it can’t be a must because humans have had many kids throughout time. I use it to filter all the advice
Why did reading this make me want to cry? It makes me so angry there are people spreading this rubbish far and wide on the internet, can we all just let each other parent the way that works best for our family!
I’m almost 60 and I’ve been hearing this mother bashing nonsense forever. After the war this sort of propaganda was rife in order to get women back in the home do the returning me would have jobs. And here we still are. Those same advocates of stay-home-mum always fail to explain how they suggest women feed themselves and their children on one or no income (if they end up alone), or who is going to keep them financially when they retire, given that they will face lost 1000s from their pension pot. My father in law had to go into a care home and my mum in law had to move in with us. Legally, she didn’t have to sell the house if she was still living in it (to fund the care fees) but she told us she only got £10k a year income from her own pension because of all the years when she was home with the kids. This isn’t enough to pay the household bills and feed herself so she had to sell and come to us. She’s 89. Point being, these people offer lots of sanctimonious whining but never any solutions. The day they can offer sensible financial incentives for women to stay at home is the day they can start preaching.
I enjoyed this and you raise some good points, but I will add that day cares in the US have extremely high turnover and do not maintain the recommended ratios of caregiver to child in most cases. Perhaps it’s different elsewhere.
On the topic of the Titan, my brother in law’s brother owns a miniature submarine building company in LA and he was one of the people who said it was a plan doomed to fail. It was so interesting to hear from his perspective about the arrogant guy who planned and executed (literally) this debacle.
I’ve spent the past 2+ years researching and writing a book on postpartum and one of the best quotes I came across was from literary and culture critic Jacqueline Rose who writes: “What are we doing to mothers — when we expect them to carry the burden of everything that is hardest to contemplate about our society and ourselves…Why on earth should it fall to them to paint things bright and innocent and safe.” She goes on to say: “Unless we recognise what we are asking mothers to perform in the world — and for the world — we will continue to tear both the world and mothers to pieces.” 💛
Oh my god this is IT
Please let me send you a copy of the book; it’s for the mother, not the baby x
Sounds like when Erica Komisar says children shouldn’t really cry in the first year, she’s actually saying mothers shouldn’t cry at all.
THIS ridiculousness is why we have to reconnect with our intuition and each other, rather than relying on social commentary that is broadcast as fact, to shape our experience of motherhood.
Precisely, but there’s a big gap between our biological and primal needs and our everyday reality in nuclear homes (in a climate, cost of living and housing crisis). This is why motherhood is so hard. And all the psychologists and social workers I spoke to agreed that our rising maternal mental health rates aren’t so much a clinical condition but a normal human response to a really stressful situation x
Amen!
I’d like to add to all your excellent points: if we want our kids with a regulated parent so much, why can’t the dad also do it??????
Exactly! Where are the dads, who for generations have deserted their babies for more than 40 hours a week???
EXACTLY. I couldn't listen to this supposed 'honest' approach to having YET ANOTHER roundtable about best-practice parenting where there was so little critical engagement WRT where the fuck all the dads are?? And it's directly related to this mistaken rose-tinting of the past because in (almost) a single generation we've gone from single-income to dual-income households. Clare's (amazing) family history is one in which the mothers worked because they had to; in 2025 the majority of mothers now work because they have to, even though most Australians classify as middle-class. So if the mothers are en masse stepping INTO the workplace, due to external factors beyond their control, the much bigger question is why fathers aren't stepping into the home. (Obviously speaking here to the hetero, dual-parent majority setup.)
Annabel Crabb said this (and many more wonderful things) in The Wife Drought which was published in 2014. TEN YEARS AGO. I return to that book every year and am increasingly upset with how relevant it still feels.
Also yes, should have stipulated that I am speaking to my harrowing experience as a tragically heterosexual female, very much concerned about what parenthood might look like for me if I decide to take on that role.
So tired of this shit and I haven’t even had to do it, yet.
💀💀 DAD DROUGHT
Oh my god someone tell Annabel RIGHT NOW that she needs to release an updated version with that name!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a whole chromosome missing from this discussion and it starts with Y.
During lockdown, a lot of kids got to meet both their parents in the daytime and I can still see the effects of that. I'm a parent carer to two adults with autism and I've seen the landscape of the "morning shop" when my kids have been dropped off at day service, change vastly since 2020.
I still see Mums with their tiny babies strapped to their chest and the obvious grandmother with a fresh blow dry and clothes that she got to choose while someone else got the baby up and ready. But there are also lots of Dads, TALKING to their babies as they shop, and even a few Grand dads. .
Despite the systemic barriers to equal paid leave, and the stigma, these fathers have made a choice to share the joy and mental load of staying home with a child. Maybe they got to know them during lockdown, maybe they got work from home flexibility, maybe they broke free from the expectations of being a primary earner. Or they actually just had a crappier job that paid less than their partner.
And yet culturally, when a decision is made to go back to work and use paid childcare, no one is throwing mud at the Dads. In fact I imagine they probably get rose petals strewn in their path as they head to the feeding room to heat up a bottle.
You only have to look at the design of today's "travel systems" for babies (because it's not just a pram) to see the influence of the male parent on early childhood has changed. They are black. They have longer handles and better wheels. They are "cool" rather than cuddly.
According to the Global institute for Women's Leadership, it still has a long way to go. There are as many systemic barriers as there are cultural and as one won't change without the other, it will be gradual.
So don't let anyone judge a female parent for a decision that is rarely a choice. And maybe add Julia Gillard to your podcast playlist while deleting the likes of Erica K.
And to quote Bella the poodle from Bluey "You're doing great, don't forget that"
Recently I saw a video on TikTok (I know!) that talked about how there has never been another point in history that mothers were required to be with their babies 24/7. In fact, the relentlessness of parenting with zero breaks and such minimal support is one of the very reasons why so many mums are feeling overstimulated, struggling etc. right now.
If you think about our wiring, back in the day, we were reliant on the village to help raise our children. But now we have less of a village, more of a nuclear family and an expectation that it's you and your kids and partner (if you have one!) against the world. As such, it's putting more stress, pressure and creating more anxiety within family units.
This entirely new concept goes against our very wiring because in the caveman era, you were only ever with your own baby 24/7 if there was a problem and you were separated from the rest of your village. So imagine what would happen if you were the sole caregiver with nobody else around for the first three years?!
So really, we need to feel less guilty about creating our own villages whether they are family, friends, paid help or come in another surprise package, and accept that we are actually going back to basics, and leaning into what is truly instinctive and natural for humankind.
Where are the same demands on fathers? It's like every woman is the Virgin Mary and underwent immaculate conception when these people run their mouths.
This is so well written. Nailed it, Clare.
Hard agree. I’m one of triplets and also appreciated your discussion of multiple births. The connection between siblings is deep and becomes part of the care you receive, it’s never been just the mother supplying everything, that expectation is mad
Becoming a mother I was ready for the judgement placed on mothers. What I wasn't ready for was the judgment placed on my baby! At 15 months old - why isn't my son walking? Shouldn't he be speaking more than 3 words? Why isn't he sleeping through the night? Etc. Etc. it might just be the place I am currently living (NYC), but I feel a lot of pressure both online and in real life for my son to be meeting certain milestones, but surely these conversations should be conversations between medical professionals and myself.
Thanks for your wise words Clare. Coming from the perspective of a fellow lazy girl ....have you thought about recording your writing so we can listen to your posts? I'm not sure this is an option on substack - and understand it would be more effort for you. But you'd have a listener in me!
Yes!!! My favorite parenting advice was: if it doesn’t work for multiples, it doesn’t really work. If something isn’t sustainable for more than one kid, it can’t be a must because humans have had many kids throughout time. I use it to filter all the advice
Great article Clare. A perspective I hadn’t thought through before.
Why did reading this make me want to cry? It makes me so angry there are people spreading this rubbish far and wide on the internet, can we all just let each other parent the way that works best for our family!
I’m almost 60 and I’ve been hearing this mother bashing nonsense forever. After the war this sort of propaganda was rife in order to get women back in the home do the returning me would have jobs. And here we still are. Those same advocates of stay-home-mum always fail to explain how they suggest women feed themselves and their children on one or no income (if they end up alone), or who is going to keep them financially when they retire, given that they will face lost 1000s from their pension pot. My father in law had to go into a care home and my mum in law had to move in with us. Legally, she didn’t have to sell the house if she was still living in it (to fund the care fees) but she told us she only got £10k a year income from her own pension because of all the years when she was home with the kids. This isn’t enough to pay the household bills and feed herself so she had to sell and come to us. She’s 89. Point being, these people offer lots of sanctimonious whining but never any solutions. The day they can offer sensible financial incentives for women to stay at home is the day they can start preaching.
AMEN!
So so well written. And people wonder why many women decide not to have children!
I enjoyed this and you raise some good points, but I will add that day cares in the US have extremely high turnover and do not maintain the recommended ratios of caregiver to child in most cases. Perhaps it’s different elsewhere.
On the topic of the Titan, my brother in law’s brother owns a miniature submarine building company in LA and he was one of the people who said it was a plan doomed to fail. It was so interesting to hear from his perspective about the arrogant guy who planned and executed (literally) this debacle.
I never comment on anything these days but, Clare you nailed this one. Nuanced and beautifully articulated.